All fathers should take Judge Judy’s parenting advice
Since approximately 1910, the third Sunday in June honors the “Y” chromosome and Hollywood’s prayers begin: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”
Fathers, caution is advised. Venus is in your fifth house. Pluto is in your seventh house, that bimbo is in your beach house, and unless you’re careful, the wife’s at the window in the main house.
May new papas Clooney, Jagger and Timberlake hear Judge Judy on Father’s Day:
“Every successful woman I know had a father who adored her. My father applauded my victories and minimized my defeats. I wanted to please him and make him proud of me. I hope he’s smiling.”
Jim Gaffigan, whose daughter is 9 years old, wrote the book “Dad Is Fat” and doubtless shares the opinion that to impress the wife, a husband just must respect her, compliment her, protect her, hear her and love her. To impress a husband on Father’s Day, the wife just has to show up naked and bring a pizza.
In honor of this semi-holy day, sensitive gentle kindly family conscious Peter Fonda tells me of his three wives: “The one I met in 1974? Someone gave us the wedding and we got married Father’s Day. Of course, I’d been married before, but only once on Father’s Day. Another marriage was on Armistice Day.”
One for the ladies, please
Although it’s Father’s Day, to be fair, we now honor great lady Ann Richards, Texas’ former governor, with Holland Taylor’s “Ann” on the new streaming service BroadwayHD: Holland: “Even as a child, Ann was sensitive to those powerless. Then community organizer, boycotter, civil rights worker, housewife who’d open her card table for write-ins against unconstitutional labor. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Took me three years to do this project.”
The film is out Thursday. Flag Day.
Stories of our fathers
Barbara Walters’ dad, Lou, owned NYC’s Latin Quarter nightclub: “His obit in the paper that mattered to him, in Variety, included the line: ‘He believed in full lighting.’ What could’ve been better for a showman?” . . .
Ron Howard: “I always watch soccer this day.” . . .
Ray Romano: “My memories are always kids throwing up.” . . .
Channing Tatum, who for Halloween dressed daughter Everly, 5, as a unicorn; Chris Pratt, who took little son Jack fishing for barracuda; DJ Khaled, whose son’s birthday party included actual tigers — feel excited.
Since years sometimes erode warmth, what are Christopher Plummer’s views on Father’s Day? “I don’t remember any holiday but Christmas. Also, I give nothing, and that’s because wives cheat you out of everything.”
Prez taught me a lesson
President Donald Trump — my friend since the ’70s — good to me, always doing favors, was angry with me once.
For some reason, I did not attend his father Fred’s funeral in ’99.
Furious, he called with: “How dare you disrespect him?” Nearly 20 years ago, and I still remember this son’s rage at a friend not honoring his father.
Suggested gift ideas
And civilization’s special presents should be?
Kim Jong-ugh: a haircut
Chris Christie: a snack.
Anthony Weiner: a Monopoly set so he can have a get-out-of-jail-free card
Kanye West: a new pair of earrings
O.J.: a dart board, him standing in front
Robert De Niro: mouthwash
“I know Father’s Day’s coming. My boy asked what size cologne I wear.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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