Uma Thurman ate pizza before red-carpet premiere

I love Uma Thurman. Everyone loves Uma Thurman. I schlepped all the way downtown, where her newie movie, “The Con Is On,” screened and more people were loving her there than loved Mother Teresa. So many bodies eager to cootchy-coo her that my trip down was longer than she and I could spend together.

Me: Where’d jewelry in this heist film come from?

Uma: “No idea. It’s a stylish caper, a naughty comedy done with a wicked fresh sense of humor. Set around LA, but we filmed in London and New York. It’s about a con-artist couple, a jewel theft scam, a gangster, a drunken night, then robbing an ex-wife to repay squandering this loot . . .” whereupon some female arrived and Uma stopped for their kissy-kissy.

Me: And your secret to stay looking this beautiful and slim?

Uma: “Any cream I can find, but there’s just never enough sleep. And how to stay slim? Please. For lunch I ate pizza.” Despite minimal rest and semi-malnutrition, she then leaped up to hug two more bodies.

Me: Careerwise, what’s next?

Uma: “Maybe back to Broadway. I just celebrated a birthday at home with my friends in one room. Life’s calling, things are going so I need a break to chill, and be happy. Which, if I knew how, I’d already be on a plane to Tahiti.” Some guy then swooped down to hug her. Who? Who knows? He ignored me like I was furniture.

After embracing two more humans: “None of this film’s playful immoral hustler’s characteristics apply to me. But she’s the most selfish, fun character I’ve ever done. And she’s a dog whisperer. In one scene she channels a Chihuahua.”

As her assorted children wafted by, Mama Uma rose, allowed photos, then split to whoknowswhere. Could be Tahiti.

A Scout-ing mission

Bye bye Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. Progressive Godblessus America, marching ahead to equality and modernity, now boasts co-ed scouts. Fie on His and Hers. It’s multi-sex Him & Her. Like today’s toilets, it’s universal them.

One for all, all for one. E pluribus Scouts. Watch a bisexual leader check to see gent Scouts don’t get more marshmallows than the ladies. Here’s what I know for an absolute fact. Organization leaders are summoning specialists for advice.

Caring Kennedy

To imagine Kennedys retain drawing power, Kerry Kennedy sent a mass e-mail to anyone/everyone on all lists — voter lists, grocery lists, laundry lists — that says it’s 50 years since Robert F. Kennedy died. It invites us to attend something or other at his gravesite at Arlington National Cemetery. Kiddies, that’s how today stimulates and simulates a caring crowd.

Fargo’s truly cold

More. Wells Fargo is less popular than jock itch. One woundee accepted its token $2,500 settlement — but instead of going to them personally, the person suggested writing it to a charity that feeds seniors. Despite needy, frail elderly awaiting food, WF lawyers are withholding this desperately required check unless its litigant signs away pages of rights.

It’s raining film

Waiting in the wings is Woody Allen’s Amazon movie “A Rainy Day in New York” with Selena Gomez, Timothée Chalamet, Elle Fanning, Liev Schreiber. About college seniors here over a rainy weekend. “It’s a love relationship,” Woody says. “I find rain romantic. Unfortunately, while we were shooting it didn’t rain. I had to make some myself.”

Central Park springtime. Tulips, kids, fountains, squirrels and the cafe reopening. “7:30 a.m., watching my Irish setter,” says this lady, “I’m in an old raggy coat and leggings. A poodle owner offers me $10 to buy myself breakfast. I’m OK, so I asked if he does this regularly, and he said yes.”

For sure, only in New York, kids, only in New York.

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