I feel loaded with guilt at having betrayed her like this.
I am 36 and my wife is 34. We have been married for 12 years and have two boys, aged nine and seven. We haven’t been getting on for a while.
My wife has a bit of a drink problem which she won’t admit to and our sex life isn’t the greatest. We’re lucky if we do it once a month and even then she often insults me by saying I’m fat and useless in bed.
She suffers from depression so I try to make allowances, although I sometimes can’t help but react by calling her names back.
My mother-in-law and her husband just don’t get on. They’re in their 50s.
One night she and I were drinking together while her husband was down the pub and my wife was sleeping upstairs, having taken herself off to bed because she’d had too much.
We were complaining to one another about the way our respective partners treated us and one thing led to another. We hugged, then kissed, then had sex.
I then sneaked into bed alongside my sleeping wife while my mother-in-law went to sleep it off in the spare room.
The next day we both agreed “it never happened”. But I feel guilty and ashamed every day and know I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life.
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Sometimes I feel I should tell my wife, as she deserves to know what a slimeball I am. I know she wouldn’t be with me if she found out. That’s what I deserve. But then I think that telling her wouldn’t achieve anything except help me offload some of my guilt, causing her and our two boys a lot of heartache.
Should I tell my wife about my sordid sex, keep quiet or just leave her without giving a reason, as I don’t deserve her.
DEIDRE SAYS: So if you were all drunk, what if one of your sons had woken up ill or something?
I don’t think it’s just your wife who is in denial about a “bit of a drink problem”. You wouldn’t have had sex with your mother-in-law if you’d both been sober.
Confessing to your wife would blow apart two families and could add to your boys’ problems, not solve them.
Focus on sorting out the problems in your marriage and your drinking problems. Tell your wife you’ve both been drinking too much and need to stop for now – alcohol is a depressant. My e-leaflet Drinking Problems explains tactics and support.
Talk about changes you’d both like to see, to make your marriage happier. Would you feel better if you lost some weight? If you could do with brushing up your sexual technique, my e-leaflet Thrilling A Woman In Bed can help.
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