After Matt Hancock left you Martha, now it's your time to shine
Just over a week has passed since this newspaper broke the news of your husband’s infidelity, hypocrisy and supposed cronyism. But I suspect for you, time has been marching to a much slower beat.
You must feel as if you are wading through molasses, wondering if you will ever overcome the shock and heartache. And all the while you’re left juggling the bairns and trying to keep a decent face on so their lives are not further disrupted.
I’m sure you’ve wanted to reach for the rosé at 9am on more than one occasion; been tempted to smash the picture frames documenting what you thought was your happy marriage; and felt inclined to sew prawn peelings into the hems of his work trousers.
I feel for you. But also I rile against that need to put on a good show to the outside world, while inside you’re crumbling, full of rage and burning with jealousy.
Time and time again, I see women in this position standing by their man, having to protect them from further shame and not behaving as they truly feel.
A word in your ear, Martha: I’d like to see you come running naked out of the family home, shouting the words to the Macarena, bearing half his wardrobe and huge scissors, with the crotch cut out of all his pants.
I’d like you to invite your best girlfriends around and get absolutely blathered (I’ll bring the rum) and then I want you to don an England shirt and sing at the top of your voice that “Football’s coming home but Miniature Matt isn’t . . . ”.
I want to see your profile up on the Hinge dating app – I can help you with this.
I will also assist you in setting up your own OnlyFans page to show your little fool of a husband that you’re not the dull, predictable wife he took you for.
But most importantly I want the real Martha Hancock to know that while this all feels like the end of the world and you have no idea how you will even get through the day with three children’s faces looking up at you for reassurance, this is the start of something truly amazing.
Life is just about to begin. You’re going to get through the mess your husband has left for you and then you are going to shine.
And this new life is going to furnish you with the most amazing sex you’ve ever had – and more than you could ever have hoped for with little Tom Thumb Hancock who, from his body language, looks as if sex was always done in a colour-by-numbers way.
People who write off women over 40 are wrong to do so. This is when many women’s lives truly start. You will have time away from the kids because you can lumber them on Matt and his reluctant Gina and head off for a weekend with new suitors.
I’m so excited for you and will happily guide you to your new life.
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