‘Beware teddy boy Andrew – tantrums over toys should not happen past age of 10’

Whips and chains? A wardrobe of gimp suits? A full film unit? A signed, framed portrait of Boris Johnson?

All very good reasons to run screaming from a potential new lover’s bedroom. But nothing, ­absolutely nothing, should raise a warning red flag more than a bed full of cuddly toys.

Seriously, no matter what the gender of the person you’re contemplating having sex with, if they expect you to get down and dirty under the watchful gaze of a teddy holding a heart, two squishy hippos, a stuffed black panther, an necklace-wearing bear and a “cute” pillow bearing the legend “Daddy” then you should be seriously worried.

No adult’s bed should look like a soft play centre.

We are of course talking about the ongoing waste of skin that is Prince Andrew. Or Andy, as we can now call him given that Mummy has basically sacked him.

According to last night’s catchily titled ITV documentary Ghislaine, Prince Andrew And The Paedophile, the Queen’s second son insists on his treasured bunch of bears and soft toys ­being arranged in a specific way on his bed at Buckingham Palace every night.

Servants had to refer to a special laminated chart that demonstrated exactly where each plaything and fancy cushion was placed. Evidently if one was even slightly off centre the Duke of Dork would “scream and shout”.

He is 61 for God’s sake. Tantrums over toys should not happen past the age of 10 and that’s pushing it.

All this is coming out now, of course, because Andrew has been legally forced to give sworn testimony against claims by Virginia Giuffre that he abused her when she was 17. Claims he vehemently denies.

It’s also alleged that he started blubbing like a baby when the news was broken to him that he was to lose all his military ­positions and barred from using the HRH title.

Which makes the fact that he was then pictured holding a shotgun at a shooting party for chums the next day somewhat concerning. I mean who gives a distraught, overgrown toddler a loaded weapon?

But this is where we are with Andrew. A man so entitled, ­privileged, arrogant and spoilt he (almost) makes his ginger whinger nephew look good.

Look, there is nothing wrong with keeping a childhood plaything for sentimental reasons – but having the entire cast of Winnie The Pooh piled on your bed?

He’s got previous though. When he married Sarah Ferguson he had a massive stuffed teddy in the wedding carriage.

Makes you wonder what was behind her inspiration for that book she wrote about life with a very small chopper, doesn’t it?

Interestingly, Andy and Fergie still live together in Windsor, 25 years after their divorce. She has stood by him throughout.

Though given the convicted paedo Epstein bunged her a few quid when she needed it maybe none of us should be too shocked.

Any case, curious fact for you. When Toy Story 4 had its UK ­release in 2019 it had a joint promotional campaign with a well-known, high-street restaurant.

Pizza Express. Stuffed crust, stuffed toys and just plain stuffed.

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