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Alec Baldwin, love of my life, obsession of my soul. My super-sized, gelatinous hunk of Soft Serve non-dairy product. Failed impersonator of President Donald J. Trump. Duped husband of a lithe and flexible Spanish impersonator.
Oh babe, how I’ve missed you!
But Alec, dear, sweet, demented Alec. You really need to calm down and listen up.
That woman you married, Hillary/Hilaria, the one with the smoking body and a craving for celebrities with deep-seated anger issues, is not all that she seems. That ex-yogi, who has been passing herself off for years as exotic and foreign, turns out to be as spiceless and American as a shopping-mall food court that’s run out of Panda Express.
She’s a full-blown phony!
The question that leaps out, like a temper tantrum on steroids, is: What did you know, and when did you know it? You must realize that every word of your wife’s resume, with the possible exceptions of “the” and “and,” are as fictional as your zen?
The brouhaha started after comedienne Amy Schumer cheekily reposted (and later deleted) on Instagram a photograph of “Hilaria,” the mother of five little Baldwins, wearing sexy lingerie, while holding her baby son, Eduardo “Edu” Pao Lucas. (Ouch.) Apparently, Schumer was taking a jab at Hill’s boastful post-partum lack of stretch marks and baby weight.
Hill was upset with what she considered Schumer’s lithe body-shaming. She responded with a recorded message of her displeasure. Except, in place of her usual Spanish inflections — in one TV appearance, she even seemed to forget the English word for “cucumber” — this time her accent was pure American.
The ‘net went wild!
It started with this tweet from Leni Briscoe. “You have to admire Hilaria Baldwin’s commitment to her decade long grift where she impersonates a Spanish person.” This was followed by various messages from high-school chums — in Massachusetts. They said “Hillary,” that’s what they called her, was as American as a cheeseburger and fries, things she certainly would never touch.
This caused Alec to shoot back with both barrels on Instagram Sunday, bizarrely comparing Briscoe to “used coasters with the rings on them and the stains on them.”
Finally, Hillary Baldwin outed herself. What a relief!
The bio posted on her speaker’s agency website claiming she was born in Majorca, Spain, and moved to the United States at age 19 to attend New York University? The printed profile that stated the same?
It was all pure fiction.
In reality, she admitted, she was born in Boston. Her official name was Hillary Hayward-Thomas.
“When I was growing up, in this country” in this country! “I would use the name Hillary,” she wrote online. She said her parents, who currently live in Majorca, call her Hilaria.
She said in another post that her mother isn’t even Spanish, as has been reported. Of course, she blamed reporters, commentators and other bystanders for her ruse.
So Hillary-gate ends with an explosion. Oh Alec. What else has the woman who sleeps beside you been faking?
You can do so much better than that. Hey — my parents were both legitimately European.
But never mind.
Who needs the drama?
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