Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Now Ryan and Daisy have been rumbled!

Coronation Street 

What’s the big deal with moving to Scotland among soaplanders these days? The only place most locals had ever heard of outside their immediate vicinity was Spain; now, both Emmerdale and Corrie talk about nowhere other than Scotland.

This time, it’s Crystal, who has landed a job in Glasgow and wants Ryan to go with her (why is she swapping promoting clubs in Ibiza for Glasgow, pray? Does she even own an umbrella?). 

He, however, has an interview at the gym and wants to keep his options open (nothing new there). Crystal is suspicious when Ryan blanks Daisy, and when Daisy calls round to warn him, he’s unaware that his video is still on from his interview.

Oh, dear. Recording devices are never a good idea in soapland, and when Ryan admits he still has feelings for Daisy and that the sex was fantastic (Whoa! Waaaay too much information!), Simon discovers the footage and sends Daniel the video link.

Devastated to learn that Ryan and Daisy slept together, what will Desperate Dan do next? He tells Simon that he’s decided to forget about it, but will he be spurred into action when Ryan reveals that he has the gym job and won’t be moving to Glasgow? 

Crystal is suspicious when Ryan (left) blanks Daisy (right), and when Daisy calls round to warn him (right), he’s unaware that his video is still on from his interview

DAN THE DELUDED

Does Daniel believe that he and Daisy can move past her infidelity? ‘Yes,’ says Rob Mallard (Daniel). ‘He even starts looking at buying the pub for her.’ I’d prefer jewellery, personally.

Just as well. On his wages, he wouldn’t be able to afford the train fare from Manchester (£74.90 since you ask – that’s about 150 shifts at the Bistro if Nick’s wages are anything to go by).

When Stu discovers that Eliza has made other plans for Christmas Day, he suggests to Yasmeen that they open the restaurant that day. Seriously? 

A restaurant that doesn’t serve alcohol? Who’s going to be tempted by that? 

And here’s another thing: everyone will be at home watching EastEnders to discover the identity of the corpse.

The tedium of the Asha/Isla/Nina love triangle takes a turn when Isla tells Asha that her ex-boyfriend is pestering her and she’s thinking of trying women instead. Nina is none too happy to arrive at the Bistro to discover the pair giggling and gripping each other’s hands. 

You can do better, Nina. She’s not the only gay in the village.

Emmerdale 

Is Rhona planning to snatch little Ivy?

The great Egg-gate scandal gathers pace when Rhona, accompanied by Mary, takes supplies to her exhausted ex Gus, who reluctantly agrees to accept their help and promptly falls asleep. When Rhona seizes the opportunity to cradle a sleeping little Ivy, Gus is furious when he wakes up and orders the pair to leave. 

Are we heading for a baby-snatching storyline here? Given the length of Rhona’s cardigans, she could go undetected smuggling quintuplets out of the village.

It hasn’t taken Tracy long to overcome her doubts and throw herself into a full-blown affair with Caleb. How long will it be before their secret is discovered, when unsuspecting Nicky interrupts them in the throes of passion? 

The great Egg-gate scandal gathers pace when Rhona, accompanied by Mary, takes supplies to her exhausted ex Gus (all pictured), who reluctantly agrees to accept their help and promptly falls asleep

They’re at it yet again as Nate makes his way back to the Mill. Good luck trying to worm your way out of this one, Tracy. 

Has this woman ever gone one week when she’s been content just to enjoy family life and watch Loose Women on the telly?

There’s more passion stirring when Victoria finds it impossible to resist the chemistry between her and Jacob. I’m still not buying it. 

There’s more chemistry in a test tube full of water.

EastEnders

Karen didn’t need to steal £50k from Phil; I’d have happily started a Crowdfunder initiative for her if I thought it would get her out of Walford. When she starts splashing the cash in The Vic, Phil is suspicious, and it doesn’t take him long to discover that Keanu and Karen staged Albie’s kidnap and made off with the ransom money. 

When he has evidence, he wastes no time telling Sharon, just as she’s excitedly announcing that she and Keanu will hold their wedding reception in The Vic on Christmas Day.

Talking of which, the list of suspects to be the Christmas corpse gets longer by the day. Keanu, Phil, Theo… I’m still with outsider Grant, not least because the million red herrings tell me something fishy is afoot.

Karen didn’t need to steal £50k from Phil (pictured); I’d have happily started a Crowdfunder initiative for her if I thought it would get her out of Walford

Is Keanu the groom? Would Sharon go ahead with the wedding, knowing the truth about the kidnapping? 

I’ve never looked forward to Christmas Day so much in my life.

Denise is back and unhappy (yer don’t say!) to discover Jack not only hasn’t told her about Deano’s return, but the circumstances of Sam’s return, too. She gives Jack an ultimatum – Sam goes, or she does. 

There’s your get-out clause, Jack.

Elaine’s cracker of a Christmas 

No one is more excited than EastEnders’ Elaine, as she looks forward to a good old Walford merry Christmas (shall you tell her, or shall I?). ‘Christmas is the highlight of her year,’ says Harriet Thorpe (Elaine), ‘and turning on the lights is like starring at the London Palladium.’ 

And what will Harriet be doing in real life on the big day? ‘I’ll be tuning in to find out which of the men is on the floor of The Vic.’

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